thirty-two confessions: part 1

i've opened & closed a new post about three times over the past few days.
i have things i want to say, things i want to share...
but the words just aren't coming out of me yet..
and instead of forcing them, i'm going to give them time to come out on their own.

instead. i bring you thirty two confessions.
my birthday was last week, i turned thirty two.
it seems a little unreal that i'm an age i can remember my parents being.

so thirty-two confessions.
(things you may or may not have known about me.)

1. both of my children were conceived with the help of a fertility drug. we tried on our own for over a year with each, with no success, and i felt so helpless. i felt like God was sending me a message that i shouldn't be a parent, and days when i lose my patience & feel like the worst mother ever, i am reminded of that feeling all over again.

2. for all the pictures i take, and all the pictures i've taken that i absolutely love... i have not one single picture up in my house. none. not even a tabletop frame. it's mostly because i'm too cheap to buy picture frames.

3. i 'ran' away from home when i was 18. my mom embarrassed me in front of strangers & i overreacted. i left our place of business, went home & packed up a weeks worth of clothes. i headed straight for the only place i could think to go, the best friend's house. i say 'ran' away.. because within a few hours of being there, my mom called the bf's grandmother to make sure i was safe. because i'm just THAT lame about rebelling, she knew exactly where i'd be.

4. i can't remember being one of those little girls who dreams about growing up & getting married. i can remember being in love with alex p. keaton & thinking how cool it would be to be like 'kate & allie'. i apparently overlooked the fact they were both divorcee's & single parents. i also loved the facts of life... apparently i didn't catch the fact they went to an all girls school, cause that would have been lame.

5. ice cream is not safe in my house. i can take out a gallon in less than three days. that's a sad, embarrassing admission, but it's true. i am not ashamed to say i have eaten ice cream, for breakfast... i will however hide the fact that i'm eating it from my children.

6. i struggle with self confidence. despite the fact that i'm overweight, it has nothing to do with my appearance. it has to do with my abilities. cooking, parenting, blogging, crafting, scrapbooking, baking, photographing. i seek constant approval. when someone says they like a picture i posted, or comments on something i've baked, i feel like i can breathe after having held my breath forever.

7. i lost the three best friends i had in highschool, over the course of 4 years. because of this i'm insecure of how good of a friend i am.. i always second guess myself. (i do however, still have some friends from highschool, that have become wonderful friends)

8. i let my kids watch more than 30 minutes of tv a day. ya, even the baby. the tv is always on... but they are not always in front of it. i can't stand silence, sometimes it's the only way my head gets a break from itself.

9. i have a few things i'm 'good' at. scrapbooking, baking, photography, writing, embroidery, general crafting.... but i'm not GREAT at any one thing. some days i'd trade being able to do lots of things 'good' for the ability to do one thing AMAZING.

10. i struggle tremendously with faith. i want to believe. i want to feel His presence. i can't get in line with a church. i feel like if there is a God, a true all-seeing all-knowing divine being... then it wouldn't matter if you got yourself dressed to sit for an hour to 'act' like a christian... what would matter were the acts you did in your everyday life. my best friend said it right when she said 'going to church doesn't make you a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car'. i believe that life is a miracle... that you should do your best to be a good person... that you should think beyond your own needs, and that with everything in nature, there is a balance... and so i believe there is evil in the world as well.
11. i have let my kids go to bed in the same clothes they wore all day, without a bath. no one is going to die if there is a crumb from funnel cake they ate at the carnival in their bed... or if there is chlorine in their hair from a day at the pool. i consider my being too tired to care about it when it happens, or their being so tired i have to tote them in from the car asleep, a day well lived. i can wash the sheets and THEM tomorrow.

12. i own an iron, but i don't iron. last thing i ironed was freezer paper to this tshirt. before that? it was more freezer paper to another tshirt in july.. and prior to that, i can't tell you when it was last used. that's why my dryer is my second most favorite household appliance next to my dishwasher.

13. i feel guilty because i am a stay at home mom, and i didn't make all rance's baby food from scratch. i don't have a good reason, other than it just didn't occur to me.

14. i have a irrational fear of the dentist, but i didn't always. i had two wisdom teeth out when i was 18/19... i had to have fill put in for a front tooth i chipped while horsing around with my brother & mom, around the same time. all of it was no big deal. but a few years ago i went in for my first check up since the dude was born (i know too long..) and they told me i had something like 10 cavities. it took everything i had to keep it together until i got in the car. i was hyperventilating & sobbing when i called my best friend (and boss at the time) to tell her i couldn't go back to work. when i called my mom after she thought someone had died i was so worked up. and just for the record, they both laughed at me once i got out that i had cavities.... for the first time in my life.. at 28. it only made the dreams i had through my first pregnancy of losing my teeth that much more scary when i had them again with my second child!

15. i REALLY REALLY want to open an esty shop. REALLY. but because i'm mediocre at soo many things, i have no idea what kind of stuff to make to sell..... and if i don't open a shop to sell, then no one can NOT buy from me.

16. i stopped blogging as much, not so much because i didn't have anything to say.. but because i was obsessed with the stats. i was so worried about how many people were viewing whatever it was that i was posting, that i felt like i was changing what i posted. i stopped posting personal stuff, because it seemed like no one was interested. i felt like i couldn't post unless it was a recipe or a craft. pinterest just made it that much worse. so i stepped away to regain some clarity on why i blog in the first place. it's to put those thoughts that i can't seem to verbalize out there. so i don't feel alone. even if no one answers.

17. once, when i was a kid, i hid for a few hours, i think to see if anyone noticed i was gone. i think i was about 12 or 13. i walked home from the bus stop, no one was home, took a book & a blanket & went and hid in the shed behind our house. it took a few hours, but i think someone finally came looking for me. and it was like 'oh, there you are.' it was really lame, but i think both of my parents were working two jobs at the time, and i just felt invisible & needed a little extra attention. i think about that sometimes & try to make a little extra time to invest in whatever the dude is doing..

(i should just clarify at this point... i have AMAZING parents. they both came from nothing & worked hard for what we had as kids... which meant they both worked two jobs... most of my childhood. that meant missed softball games & school events. they would have found the time to give me that extra attention, had i asked for it.. but i was an emotional teen (as well as an adult) and i think i probably acted like a little brat no one would want to be around, instead of coming to talk to them)

18. my husband & i argue in front of my kids. i know what you are thinking.. that's bad, right? we don't fight about something that deals with the kids, i should make that clear. we argue about little things. i always believed kids shouldn't see their parents fight. i never saw mine fight... but i honestly don't know that my parents have EVER argued. EVER. when the hubs & i first got married we used to fight all the time. i had never lived away from home, neither of us had ever lived with anyone else, he was in the military, we had NO money, and i was NOT digging the 'doting housewife' crap he was trying to lay on me. i thought all the fighting meant we shouldn't have gotten married, because, like i said, my parents never fought. i want my kids to see a healthy relationship, so they don't go through what i went through. i want them to see that two people who love each other can disagree & get passed it. i want them to see the whole picture.

19. i was devastated when i found out that rance was a boy. and with that, i felt tremendously guilty because even though i was incredibly grateful to be pregnant, i was disappointed with the gender, while others were still TRYING to get pregnant. i made my husband, who was excited, keep it a secret for almost a month until i could get my emotions under control. i didn't tell anyone, not my best friend or my mom. i felt so ashamed. we took mason to the ultrasound & he told his teacher the next day he wanted to make his mama a card because i was upset because i was having a boy. this is NOT something i/we said to him... but at 5 he apparently read through the tears & my emotions afterwards. i still feel guilty when i think about it, because i couldn't imagine loving any child more or differently than i love rance. i put this out there because i felt SO alone until i find a message board that talked about gender disappointment. it was a comfort to know that i wasn't the only one struggling.

20. on valentine's day...a  long long time ago (12 or 13 years ago maybe?) my friend heather & i took a trip to daytona beach with the sole purpose of her getting her tongue pierced. i watched her do it, cringed when they put the barbel in, and thought she was crazy. 10 minutes after we left & were walking down the boardwalk we turned around & went back so i could get it done as well. it's pretty close to being one of the most impulsive things i've ever done!

i think i'll break this up into two parts. that's kinda of a lot of info to digest.
i feel pretty vulnerable putting some of this out there..
so i'm just gonna ask.. if you feel the need to comment something negative... think twice.
what will YOU gain from making me feel bad about something i've done/felt in my life?
we all have a path to walk in life, and this is mine.

xo-k

scrapbooking.

sometimes it feels good to just sit down and scrap.

it's therapy for me.

i've been trying my best to work on getting older pictures out & down on paper with the stories.

(believe it or not... this is the dude... circa 2004)

(this is one of my first photos with my dslr. it's printed on metallic paper, which this photo just doesn't do justice to!)

i'm brewing up something..

well, new for me.

a new opportunity.

i'm super excited about.

xo-k

ps. it sorta kinda has everything to do with scrapbooking :) 

embracing the camera: ferris wheel

i can't believe i'm putting this picture up here.

it's from last saturday night, at a local carnival.

a carnival i've been going to since i was a teen, probably even before that.

it's NOT fall without a trip to that carnival.

we've missed the last two years for various reasons, and i was SO happy to get to go again..

and even better.. the dude was old enough & tall enough to ride some bigger rides.

he was in heaven!

i volunteered to take him on the ferris wheel...

admist wind & bad lighting i snapped this picture.

it's blurry. it has bad lighting.

my hair is pulled back in a braid & my bangs are bobby pinned to the side of my head.

it's not a hairstyle i rock outside of the house very often.

wind + child rearing make it a neccessity as i try and wrangle kids with growing-out-bangs in tow.

(let's not forget the wonderful double chin now either... and why wasn't i smiling?)

but i'm here. i was here.

i was present & i want my kids to remember that.

too see that in something more than their minds.

and just for good measure, in the spirit of my friend steph who photos her feet wherever she goes..

xo-k

linking up to :

the anderson crew

diy: halloween decor

i think i mentioned that i LOVE halloween.. once or maybe even twice.

so it really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that all my recent craftiness has entailed halloween decor.

last year i was in such a post baby funk, just adjusting to life, that i couldn't get into the mood...

i mean really, who cares about decorating, when you are just happy to find time to take a shower?!

so here are some quick halloween decorating ideas..

for busy mamas of kids, big or little..

or crafty ladies who want a quick-fix for their crafting urges!

bloody drippy candle:

supplies:

-candlestick holders (these are pewter from my parents wedding reception!)

-white candles

-red candle

-lighter

there really aren't any 'step-by-step' pictures.. pretty much you just light your white candles & let them burn down to a height you like. these are more of a decoration, than a functioning candle... once your white candles are at the height you'd like, blow them out & let them cool until all the wax is hardened around the top.

next, light the red candle, and hold it at an angle so that the wax drips down onto the top of your white candles. let the red wax pool & drip down the sides of the candle for a 'bloody' effect & viola.

simple gory-esque candles to add to your halloween decor! and definitely do this someplace where you can scrap the wax off of, because it does splatter just a bit...

trash bag fringe curtain:

supplies:

-black yard/lawn bags (found at the dollar store for $1)

-duct tape/heavy duty adhesive

-scissors

i can't honestly remember where i first saw this idea. martha stewart seems a likely place, but to be honest with you, i just kinda went off my memory of having seen the picture of it however long ago... again, no real 'step by step' pictures. just cut up one side of the bag & then across the bottom seam to open the piece up into one long panel. attach it to your wall with your chosen adhesive ( i used scotch heavy duty outdoor adhesive, it's a SUPER strong foam tape). once attached start at one side & cut varying widths of strips from the bottom to the top. once you've cut fringe across the width of your panel, start at the top of each piece of fringe & pull lightly in two inch sections to stretch out the piece. you can then adjust the length by cutting/ripping off the bottoms. 

i'm kind of smitten with this little curtain...

we have a black light (which you can see in the above picture) that lights up at night..

it's spooky & eerie & not at all well photographed :(

the dude thinks it's 'AWESOME'.. rance laughs when he goes through it..

and my husband eyeballs me with a look that says he's contemplating my sanity,

and asks 'you stuck trash bags.. to the house.. on purpose?'

he likes to give me a hard time.. and he just doesn't get it! :)

these projects cost me $6 total.

$1 per white candlestick

$1 for a box of 7 black trash bags

$3 for outdoor foam adhesive tape

i already had the candlestick holders, and the red candle,

but you can get both of those items at the dollar store as well!

cheap is good after you invest $30 in a harry potter ensemble...

but costumes are something i'm okay with investing a little money in, because it's one thing the dude gets good use out of, he wears them until they are holy & ripped, or he is too big for them!

what halloween decorations have you made this year?

i'd love for you to link them up in the comments!

xo-k

ps.. just a tip.. if your kid is like mine.. snag up discounted halloween costumes the day after halloween & save them for christmas presents! my mom & i have done this a few years now, and i can't tell you how much money it's saved us, as we have to replace spiderman, & batman costumes almost every year because he wears them soo much!! :)

linking to:
get your craft on
tip junkie
sugarbee crafts
ladybug blessings
whipperberry

movies: fit for halloween

i'm in heaven every october.
october is a MAGICAL month for me.
aside from the fact that my birthday is in october (it's today, the 17th, if you really wanna know :)..
 i LOVE every activity that goes on.
just can't get enough of it all! decorations, parties, costumes, festivals.. ALL of it.
 i tend to lean towards the creepy/scariness of it all now that i'm older...
but i've ALWAYS loved the 'magic' of it all.
.....this may very well explain why i'm addicted to vampires.  :)

(one of my personal all time favorites... even though it's more 80s cheese than scare!)

so... it goes without saying that my dvr is chock FULL of horror flicks right now.
one of my favorite things to do in october is search & record all my favorite scary movies.
i don't know what it is, but watching them in october just makes that magical/crazy feeling bump up a notch.
so i thought i'd share a list of my all time favorite scary & not so scary halloween movies.

kid-friendly:
halloweentown
halloweentown II: kalabar's revenge
halloweentown high
return to halloweentown
nightmare before christmas
hocus pocus
corpse bride
coraline
edward scissorhands
ernest scared stupid
labyrinth
the addams family
addams family values
teen witch
harry potter movies
the haunted mansion
casper
the witches
it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown
monster house
teen wolf
the worse witch
gremlins
gremlins II
arachnaphobia

for adults:
practical magic
sleepy hollow
sweeney todd: the demon barber
beetlejuice
ghostbusters
ghostbusters II
halloween
halloween (remake)
the omen
the exorcist
the amityville horror
the amityville horror (remake)
rosemary's baby
poltergeist
nightmare on elm street
nightmare on elm street (remake)
the shining
the evil dead
insidious
rocky horror picture show
haunted honeymoon
1408
pet cemetary
the sixth sense
the people under the stairs
the grudge
van helsing
resident evil series
the lost boys
underworld series
constantine
thir13en ghosts
the burbs
the witches of eastwick
dracula
dolls
mirrors
the exorcism of emily rose
once bitten
silver bullet
american gothic
killer klowns from outer space
flatliners
the prophecy
the haunting
house on haunted hill
stir of echoes
bless the child
an american haunting
2001 maniacs
cursed
dark water
the covenant
silent hill
the wicker man
30 days of night
the messengers
the reaping
the strangers
case 39
drag me to hell
the unborn
the haunting in conneticut
twilight series
queen of the damned
legion
daybreakers
the rite
the haunting of molly hartley

and then there are those that i'm determined to see this year:
paranormal activity
the fright night remake
i don't do gore.
i can't handle it, for the most part.
i've only seen two of the movies from the 'saw' series, and that was two too many.
i saw hostel... and if you haven't... let's just say the ripping fingernails bit sent me over the edge.
the hills have eyes, wrong turn, etc.. ya.. can't do those either.
i can't watch 'the children of the corn'. i have, and, i can't.
something about freaky kids just puts it over the top for me.
i remember my brother could never watch 'village of the damned'... he said it was the eyes that did him in.
and WHY do they always make kids toys all creepy like in those movies?
my husband swears that those monkey's with the cymbals are possessed.
it's probably movies that keep those things off the shelf now.. along with those 'my buddy' dolls that were doomed after the 'chucky' movies.. which aren't something i'm into either.

it's a little ridiculous.. but i can't do those leprechaun movies either. had a crazy bad dream one time about that crazy freak, and enough said...

my cousin used to have this girlie little yellow frilly room.. and in the midst of her 7 year old haven, a poster of freddie kruger. scared the bejesus outta me (when i was 6) & her mom would always have to take it off the wall when i came. i think after i saw the movie i slept in the hallway of our house for a week & to this day i can't really get comfortable in a bathtub. those memories stick with you! and having seen the remake now.. i can say the original must be stuck in my 6 year old psyche because the new one didn't freak me out the least bit.

so there ya go... my halloween round up :)

xo-k

currents: 10.13.2011

working on some other posts.. i know, i know.. you are so tired of hearing this.. right?
ah. it's life. :)

listening: emily anderson's play list. seriously. over and over and over again. it's like the perfect magical october soundtrack. moody & wonderful. i made my own playlist to share :) i didn't plan on loving the song 'give in to me' from the movie country strong as much as a did... but it almost breaks my heart it's so amazing!

watching: the new girl. american horror story. vampire diaries. glee. i don't know that i've ever been glued to this many shows. ever. i heart zooey deschanel in the new girl. american horror story is strange and i can't stop watching it, it's like the scary movie that doesn't end. vampire diaries. ya.. do i have to elaborate? and glee. i can't get enough. i'm only sad true blood is over until next year :(

reading: the crowning glory of calla lily ponder. yessssss. still. i find that i'm having to really MAKE the time to read. & it's moving slowly for me..

obsessing: halloween decorations. a recipe binder. making jewelry & eliminating processed foods & chemical cleaners from my house. (more on that soon) pinterest. redecorating my home.

stressing: my house is never clean. i don't know why.. i'm home & i feel like i'm always cleaning. oh wait. i have kids. and a husband who refuses to kick his boots off at the door. christmas presents. i don't want to overload my tree with thoughtless manufactured presents.. i'd like to have a happy balance & give to those in need as well as have some handmade gifts sprinkled around.

baking or making: red velvet cookies. oreo truffles. rice crispies cupcakes. chocolate covered marshmallows. honey beer bread. garlic cheese biscuits. coffee cake muffins. honey oatmeal sandwich bread. chocolate muffins. peanut butter honey energy balls... i think that's it... :)

wanting: a pedicure. the kindle fire. to read the next book in the black dagger brotherhood. to go to the movies & eat sushi on my birthday. just a few new scrapbooking supplies.. it's been MORE than a year since i've added to my stash, i think i'm due :) & a style injection.

looking forward to: a visit to the pumpkin patch. the carnival. halloween. more soccer games. release of the breaking dawn soundtrack. breaking dawn. hand making gifts for loved ones. a fall thankful journal (can't wait to elaborate! :)

loving: pw's iced coffee recipe, paired with homemade vanilla syrup. soccer. reading scary stories to tell in the dark with the dude. spending my days with the babe.

xo-k

diy: bleach sprayed shirt

i should probably be ashamed at my complete lack of attention to my blog.

in my head october was going to be a great, busy, blogging month.

in truth, it's been a great, busy, lack of blogging month.

honestly.

i feel bored with myself.

i feel like i have nothing to say.

i'm kinda in a rut.. but more than that, i'm wondering why i blog.

is it the craftiness that brings you here?

the recipes?

my general loveliness?

i'm totally kidding on that last one..

'cause i know it's my sarcastic wit that keeps you coming back!!

whatever it may be that brings you here, thanks for stopping by.

i know i've got to blog that darn birthday party of rance's...

 but it's sorta intimidating me now with all the pictures..

so in the mean time..

how about a easy crafty project?

i'm so cheap, i didn't want to pay for a 'fan' shirt for the babe to wear to his brother's soccer games..

so i totally diy'd it.

i'm became sort of obsessed with this bleach spray technique, if it can be called that, over the summer.

i've started to blog about it a zillion times..

but each time i try to get the boys in their shirts for pictures, it just doesn't pan out.

irked at the lack luster pictures.. i shelved the blog entry on it.

well, when i went to make this shirt last week..

my camera made it clear it was on strike, because the shutter froze up & the battery died.

the nerve, right?

so.. determined to blog this idea already, i went to the trusty ol' cellphone pictures.

(i'm aware the phrase may be a little inappropriate, but it made me laugh, so that's what i settled on! :)

diy: bleach sprayed shirt

-shirt

-bleach

-spray bottle

-freezer paper

-iron

-design/stencil

just cut out your design from freezer paper, making sure the 'shiny' side is facing down to your shirt. i used my slice die cutting machine & cut out the letters. you print letters on to computer paper & trace them on the freezer paper, or freehand a design, etc.

iron the letters down onto your shirt. i had my iron on the cotton setting & just picked it up & put it down for a few seconds on each portion. it doesn't take long to get the letters to adhere. DON'T slide your iron like you normally do, or your design placement could shift on you!

once your design is on where you want it, insert a shirt board or a stray piece of cardboard into the shirt.

take your shirt outside & lay it face up on a towel & surface that you are not worried about ruining. DEFINETELY do this outside, or maybe in dry bathtub.

fill a spray bottle with straight bleach. squirt off to the side on your crummy towel a few times to get the bleach flowing. stand a few feet back from your shirt & spray up into the air, letting the bleach mist drop onto your shirt.

you can spray any amount you want, but if you want your design to POP, you need to try and get a fair amount of bleach around the design part itself... i have found that i like the randomness if i continue to spray up into the air & let it drop down... but you can spray directly at the shirt for a more solid bleached out area.

once you have sprayed an amount that you are happy with, set your shirt off to dry. let dry completely & then peel off your freezer paper. it typically comes off fairly easy once it's dry.

there ya have it.

i've found that the thinner the letters the more likely they are to bleed,

 like the 'y' in my & the 'ck' in kick did here. 

but i'm okay with that.

i've also found that not all shirts bleach the same.

this is a shirt from hobby lobby, & it bleached out pretty much like a pinkish white color.

a black one from the toddler section at hobby lobby bleached out like a orangish white, which was perfect because it was a halloween tee for the babe.

play around with shirt from different places.. see what ya get :)

hopefully i can get a picture of the ones we've made up here soon.

but for now.. i've given up! :)

xo-k

linking to:
whipperberry

photo: soccer player

they lost their first game.

the other team was pretty brutal.

but, i figure... if he starts off every game with the same enthusiasm...

we've totally won.

this 'keep moving forward' quote from disney's 'meet the robinsons' is following me these days..

i have a project list a mile long..

it includes:

gathering halloween goodies

making a halloween costume

working on a home binder

getting together a recipe binder

planning handmade christmas projects

fine tuning our christmas present list for the boys

and top priority this week is making goodies for the second anniversary & grand reopening at a new location of my friend's scrapbook store.

i am excited & staying positive!

xo-k